You’ve been trying to teach your kid some basic principles on how to be a functioning human being for the majority of their life.  Then, one day, their teacher, uncle, coach, pastor, etc. says the exact same thing to them, and your kid comes running up to you to tell you of this incredible, profound lesson they just learned as if it was the very first time they’ve heard it.  Are you kidding me?  I get the credit for that!

As frustrating as this can be, it’s an important reminder that we are not the only influence in our child’s life.  In fact, in a book that has become quite important to me in my parenting, Parenting Beyond Your Capacity, the authors would take it one step further and state it this way:

You are not the only influence your children need. @cnieuwhof @reggiejoiner Click To Tweet

Our kids need other adults to affirm and reinforce core truths in their lives to help shape their character and faith.

Our teens need voices other than our own speaking into their stories and reminding them of their identity and value.

Widen the Circle

Here’s the thing about these additional influences: they will enter into our kids’ lives whether we like it or not.  Instead of simply allowing these relationships to happen randomly or haphazardly, what if we as parents begun to initiate them on purpose?

What if we pursue strategic relationships for our sons and daughters?

Joiner and Nieuwhof call this principle of parenting: “widen the circle.”

In a culture where genuine community seems increasingly difficult to find, we need to become more intentional about finding mentors, role models, and spiritual leaders for our kids.

Whose lives are your kids witnessing that make them say, “That’s what I want to be like when I’m older”?

Widen the Circle During Transitions

I remember hearing of one set of parents who intentionally used the transition into Kindergarten to reinforce these key relationships in their child’s life. They reached out to a handful of adults who knew their child and asked them to write a short note of encouragement for their kid and put it in the mail before the big day came.  Guess which adults suddenly became a whole lot cooler in the eyes of that kid?

What are the simple things we can do to turn up the volume on key voices in our kids’ lives?

Widen the Circle Before the Teen Years

The need for this circle of influence around our kids only grows as they approach adolescence.  As they become more independent, they begin to redefine their identity based not on what their parents think of them, but on what those outside of their home might think.

When your teen needs advice about future careers or is struggling in a dating relationship, there is a very good chance they’ll be talking to their friends and other adults before you ever hear about it.

If you’ve already helped them build relationships with other adults whom you trust, this is a good thing.

The Mentoring Year

Nieuwhof, when his son was about to turn 13, created a plan with his son to set up what they referred to as his mentoring year.  They selected five men who they knew and respected and asked each of them to spend a day with the 13-year old over the Summer.  During that day, they could do whatever activity they wanted, but at some point, the man had to impart at least one spiritual truth (faith-based) and one life truth (good advice) into his son’s life.

At the end of the Summer, they all gathered for one big BBQ feast and the men got another chance to encourage they new teenager and speak into this young guy about the gifts and abilities they saw at work within him.  What a fantastic rite-of-passage into adolescence! 

When the questions and doubts of the teenage years hit, this guy now has at least five other adults in his life that he can go to for support.  Isn’t that exactly what we hope our kids will have?

Finding Community

Beyond family members, where do we begin to create this wider circle for our kids?  I could be biased, but I believe one of the strongest sources of community for your child is a local church.  Find one that values family and desires to partner with you as a parent to give your kid a better future.  Connect regularly and give your kids a front row seat to see genuine faith lived out in others.

“Something powerful happens when you partner with other influences who desire to instill a sense of mission into the hearts of your children. You give them a different view of their place in the world, and you transfer a different kind of passion to them that your family alone cannot give them.” – Reggie Joiner

Your Move

How have you seen parents successfully “widen the circle” for their kids?

Is there something you’ve done that has worked well?  We’d love to hear about it in the comments below!

If this feels like just one more thing you need to do as a parent –  and are failing at – I get it.  Start with this article to get a little freedom from that parenting guilt and then come back here.

Remember:

You are exactly the right parent for your child.  You got this.

-Dan